At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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