i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
