i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
