You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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