the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
