My liver just broke up with me...
You can't special order awesome
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
