wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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