I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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