3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.