I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
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I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.