90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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