yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
