I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
