You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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