is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
