i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
