I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
