Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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