CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
