Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
