you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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