What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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