i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Randomize
