I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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