Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
