i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
