goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
