My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
