I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
