also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
