got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
