It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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