I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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