I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
