I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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