We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No subtext here. People are naked.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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