i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
