Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
