I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
