Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
