so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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