Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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