Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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