So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I love having hate sex.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
