i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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