She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
