next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
