how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
