she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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