just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Who put my cat in the fridge?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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