apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
