guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if only i could text you this smell
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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