I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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