Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
