you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
