I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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