i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
