so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
