I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
